Mommy's Memories

8 months old

God you are so wonderful. I have never felt so loved by your in all my life. You are all knowing. I doubt so much, and worry even more. I love that you know me and still adore me. I just am so thankful for my Noah. I am so thankful you let me have him. I cannot imagine my life without his sweet cheeks! Thank you God

I cannot sleep. I have a fluttery feeling. Jeff helped me with my stinkin math for two hours before we finally agreed to go to bed. As soon as we got in bed I snuggled into my normal spot and just started praying. It is a little less than 24 hours when the worst day of our life happened. Knowing something wasn't right. Taking forever for them to finally figure out what is was, and then all of the sudden everything going 100 miles per hour. I will never forget my flight from Montana to SLC. I had never been more scared and miserable in all my life. It was such a weird sensation feeling so panicky that you are hot, a hot in your whole body like your entire body is on fire and wont go out. (It felt like that moment when you know you are about to get in a wreck and you see it happening and there is nothing you can do) except it lasted for days. Just writing this I get choked up. I remember them prepping me for my emergency Csection. I remember the nurse measuring, more measuring and more measuring on the sonogram....just trying to see if he was "viable" Just that word makes me sick. I remember the social worker coming in and trying her best in the nicest way possible, that if we decided to resuscitate him, what his life would be like. I remember just letting out this scream, thinking there was no way that came out of me. I didn't care who heard me, but I remember screaming out loud, saying "God why are you doing this." How could you do this he is a baby, how can you put him through this" I had never felt so bitter that day.

I remember them tugging on me so hard I thought i would fall off the table, and then stillness, no cries, Jeff kissing me smiling and saying "he's bigger than I thought he would be" I remember being wheeled into his room on my way to my room, literally hitting my face trying to wake myself up, thinking this would be the only time he would get to hear my voice, wanting to touch him and kiss him and let him know that I was sorry. I was so tired from all of the drugs they were pumping in me so I wouldn't hemorrhage. I remember barely seeing him, and touching his little leg, and feeling so empty and so full at the same time. Then falling asleep for hours.

Well I'm totally baaling now.....But GOD IS GOOD. My son is a miracle. Those 5 months in the hospital were imposable. People always ask me how did you get through it, how could you stand watching your son suffer and almost die so many times. All i can answer is God. He gave me strength to get up in the mornings. I don't think I brushed my teeth or combed my hair in that 5 months, but he got me there. He gave me words to pray over my son everyday, he gave me energy and wisdom to be involved in every aspect of his care.

Noah has dealt with so much. He struggles every day (he doesn't know it, he is happy as a clam) It is so hard to see him get so scared when you try to help him walk or seeing him play with his little nemo hand, and wonder why it doesn't work like the other one. Thinking about this just makes me so glad we went through all of it. (of course I wish i had the lasting affects of it and not Noah), but I have never felt so loved by God, my family my friends. I know what true faith is, and what true grace is. I feel like I am hiding nothing from God (I know I never was, I thought i was) there is something so freeing when you let God really know what you feel, what your like, and then step back waiting for that lightning bolt to strike you dead, and then getting a warm feeling like he just wrapped his arms around you and gave you a big hug! I think unless you know what true helplessness feels like and turning to your spouse for comfort you can't fathom what that kind of love feels like.

I guess it wasn't the worst day of my life, it was the most AMAZING