So I know what new years is like 15 days old...but I have to write this post.
Today Noah and I spent about 4 hours at the hospital...nothing to worry about, he just had botox and phenol injections to help loosten his muscles (he gets about 30 shots so they have to put him under general anesthesia) but he is a little trouper, and after throwing up and being totally uncomfortable and miserable today (he kept asking me to kiss his foot better, they did one injection into his ancle that really swole up and bruised his poor little foot) He is now resting peacefully with his green binky (dont judge) and his blue blanket. So now I can blog about me:)
Jeff bought me a book around christmas time i cant remember what its called but it's a book on "being a mom with a special needs child." honeslty I was having a hard time getting into it, cause I would totally rather not read another self help book and pick up a novel! Well I decided to take it with me today, and read it while Noah was away from me. Well the 3 chapters I read have totally changed me. I read a sentence that completly hit home and explained the way I feel, but couldnt ever really pin point it. It brought me to tears...sitting in the uncomfortable hospital chair, hearing the guy 10 feet away from me farting while he climbed a latter to change a light bulb, I finally figured out the way I feel....
I feel like I cannot have a break or don't deserve time for myself because my child (my little Noah) doesn't have the option of getting a break. His circumstances dont change. I feel like it is not fair for me to relax when my little guy never stops struggling, or hurting, or trying or whatever it is. When your a mom you cannot stand for your children to hurt, and Noah's life is kind of like that all the time. It's hard to put into words, but I don't feel bad leaving Ava for a night, or a few hours...I hate to say it but I dont worry about her at all, and I truely enjoy the break, but Noah I just always have a little tear in my belly or an ache in my heart when I leave him. I am just angry that he will never get a break...does that make sense? I can leave and go get my nails done (which i enjoy very much) but he can't ever just leave his body and get a break from having cerebral palsy, or be able to borrow someone elses legs so he can get up and run acoss the yard to play with the other kids his age, feel the grass and mud between his toes as he runs...RUNS...Im hurt that he can't run. I have tears streaming down my face because he can't even walk. Actually right now at this very second I had a thought about "who cares about my stupid nails..what a trivial thing, or new clothes I haven't bought any for 2 years and feel like a cow in everything I own, cause the only thing that fits are sweats, but in the scheme of things who cares what I look like or how I feel about myself look at my son...my SON, my little boy. See maybe I am not changed, I still feel guilty, my point was actually the opposite LOL Im a mess!
My point was that I need a break...I even *gulp* deserve *gulp* a break. Its hard for me to say it with out feeling guity. Sssooo I feel empowered one second and then weak the next. I know I do need a break now and then. That was all I was trying to say, and the "a new year...a new me" title was to let you know that I am going to put my foot down, and start taking care of myself again. Im sick of looking like I am a stay at home mom. I need to eat better, take time to shower LOL, Love myself, dress better, get more fresh air, and come back from whatever I do for myself with more energy to give my little guy! (and my sweet baby girl, I didn't forget you Ava, you are just so strong and indipendent, and can hold you own)
Noah I love you more than you will EVER know, and I am so proud of you...you make me so happy and I am so glad I get to be your mommy. Im finally going to take a little time here and there to be my old self so I can come back a better mommy to you! This is my promise to you and me:)
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